Love and Attraction

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Lecture 6 – Love and Attraction

From the Self to the Dyad

Relationships mark a significant shift in psychological experience. We move from focusing on the individual self to experiencing a different psychology as part of a couple. Examples:

  • Relational schema: We cognitively perceive people in relationship units (e.g., “Keith and Stacey”).
  • Transactive memory: In couples, memory systems are shared. One partner remembers names, the other handles finances.

Tension in relationships:

  • A central dynamic is the conflict between connection and individuality.
  • Schopenhauer’s porcupine dilemma illustrates this: getting too close causes pain, but separation brings loneliness.

Models and Theories of Relationships

Evolutionary Psychology

  • Focuses on mating strategies and inherited patterns of behavior.

Attachment Theory

  • Secure vs. anxious vs. avoidant patterns that shape adult relationships.

Personality Models

  • Big Five traits and interpersonal compatibility.

Social Psychology of Attraction

  • Examines environmental, situational, and interpersonal dynamics.

Western Myths and Love

  • Heroic Individualism: Love stories like Romeo and Juliet and Titanic prioritize individual love over family, duty, or social constraints.
  • Cultural narrative: True love is portrayed as transcending group constraints.

“We don’t make Disney movies about arranged marriages that work over 10 years.”

What Makes Someone Attractive?

Stated Preferences

  • Trust, kindness, humor, confidence, ambition, and positive emotionality.

Actual Behavior

  • Physical attractiveness is the strongest predictor in dating studies.
  • Classic studies:
  • 1960s Minnesota computer dating study.
  • Speed dating studies: looks dominate over personality traits.

Physical Traits

  • Symmetry, averageness, youth, and health signal fertility and desirability.
  • We prefer a slightly-above-average appearance, not extremes.

Similarity vs. Opposites

  • Similarity wins: values, interests, lifestyle alignment promote stability.
  • Opposites attract mostly in reactance (rebellion), not in sustained relationships.

Gender Differences

  • Parental Investment Theory (Trivers):
  • Women are more selective due to greater biological cost of reproduction.
  • Men more often pursue multiple partners.
  • Egg donation = \$\$\$, sperm donation = \$

Situational Forces in Attraction

1. Misattribution of Arousal

  • Dutton & Aron Bridge Study: scary situations increase perceived attractiveness via misattributed arousal.

2. Deindividuation

  • “Dark Room Study”: anonymity increases physical and emotional connection.
  • Similar to costuming, parties, Halloween: social masks dissolve norms.

3. Fear and Affiliation

  • Fear increases desire for social connection (Schachter study: painful shock = prefer waiting with others).

4. Liminality

  • Rituals and sensory experiences (e.g., twilight on a beach) reduce ego boundaries and facilitate connection.
  • Romantic settings often reflect liminal thresholds.

“It’s hard to fall in love under fluorescent lights.”

From Attraction to Love

Reciprocal Self-Disclosure

  • Vulnerability in shared dialogue builds intimacy.
  • Art Aron’s research: 10-minute mutual question sessions can accelerate closeness (sometimes even marriage).

Self-Expansion Model

  • Love = integrating the other’s knowledge, skills, and perspectives into one’s self.
  • Fast growth = passion (e.g., Twilight). Slower growth = companionate love.

Models of Love

Sternberg’s Triangular Theory

  1. Passion (physical attraction)
  2. Intimacy (deep understanding)
  3. Commitment (desire to stay)

Types of Love:

  • Consummate: All three present.
  • Romantic: Passion + Intimacy
  • Companionate: Intimacy + Commitment
  • Fatuous: Passion + Commitment

Lee’s Colors of Love (Hendrick & Hendrick)

  1. Eros: Passionate
  2. Ludus: Game-playing
  3. Storge: Friendship-based
  4. Pragma: Logical/practical
  5. Mania: Possessive, dependent
  6. Agape: Selfless, spiritual love
  • Styles map onto emotional maturity, narcissism, attachment styles, and personal values.

Commitment and Maintenance

Rusbult’s Investment Model

  1. Satisfaction (rewards > costs)
  2. Alternatives (few viable others = stronger commitment)
  3. Investments (shared house, children, time, friends)

Relationship Maintenance Mechanisms

  • Cognitive Interdependence: Thinking in terms of “we.”
  • Willingness to Sacrifice: Moving, job changes, lifestyle shifts.
  • Partner Enhancement & Derogation:
  • Overvalue your partner
  • Devalue alternatives
  • Accommodation:
  • Four responses to conflict:
    • Exit (active destructive)
    • Voice (active constructive)
    • Loyalty (passive constructive)
    • Neglect (passive destructive)

“Don’t be mean. That’s the number one rule of marriage.”

Final Reflections

Modern relationships are harder due to:

  • Overabundance of choices
  • Unrealistic expectations (e.g., Disney romance)
  • Work and stress draining emotional reserves

True love, in the long term, is:

  • Discipline
  • Maintenance
  • Intentionality
  • Sacrifice

“Falling in love is easy. Staying in love is effortful, intentional, and deeply human.”

Q\&A Highlights

Where does personality live?

  • It’s an estimate, not a fixed entity. Best understood through self-assessment, 360 feedback, and narrative.

Virtue vs. Lust

  • Love may begin in lustful, liminal spaces but can evolve toward virtue, discipline, and spiritual transformation.

“The life of a hedonist is the best preparation for the life of a mystic.” — Hermann Hesse

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